Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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