There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
