I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
