Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
