Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
