I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
