When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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