I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
