just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
