If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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