i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
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