I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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