im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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