This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
