Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
