i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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