Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
