I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
