There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
