I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
