my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
