I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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