i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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