My first STD was from a foam party
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
