i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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