My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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