booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
