do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We left the knife in your bed.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
