you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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