This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Even my vagina gasped.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
