But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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