Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
