grandma shit on top of the toilet
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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