wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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