I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
