apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
