DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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