Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
