I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
