Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
