I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hippo gnu deer
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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