I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
