Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
two words: eviction party
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
