do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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