You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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