Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
