I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
