my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
