I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
