I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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