i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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