Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
They are going to name an STD after you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
