Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize