I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
