The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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