Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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